Small Victories in a Rather Large Defeat

     This is a more serious post on this blog. It was a little more difficult for me to write this and to share this with readers. For me, it's a pretty sore spot still Choose to read it, choose to carry on with your various activities. I support you either way.

      Recently I noticed my memory has become a bit foggy and I can't seem to remember photos, memories, simple tasks, just things, anymore. When they were taken, who took them, or what was happening. I was shocked when my nuerologist told me I had some memory...something. I think that was his nice way of saying I'm just super forgetful.  
    But the day of the "reality check" if you will, was absolutley heartbreaking for me. I was with my sister and boyfriend. My sister was doing her makeup in my mirror and we were sitting on my bed, all listening to music. I was staring at a poster my other sister (I should give them code names, seriously) had made for me with tons of my favorite pictures on it. She had people all message her nice things about me, or memories. Just overall, very pleasant things. She then wrote the nice things between the pictures. I absolutley love it. When she gave it to me, I almost cried. See? I can remember receiving the gift just fine. Just not anything else about that day. Yet, I am hopeful.
     So I was staring at the photos and thinking;
     "I can't remember this."
     I would look at another picture and the same thing. No clue what any of this was. All I knew was the fact that these were all my favorite memories at some point in time. That these meant something to me. And then the big one hit me. It smacked me in the face like a brick. I told my boyfriend and as a bestfriend would, he has been a great help to me through it all.
     My favorite picture of my dad holding me, and he was smiling. Anyone that knows us, knows that when we force a smile, it looks like a trainwreck. But in this picture, my dad was holding me and has a big smile on his face and I just look so excited to be in his arms. I know why I am, because I love my dad. But to have the memory of him holding me like a princess is priceless to me.
     Let me tell you something. It's not all losing when you have this. I forgot my speed dial code for the past two months. I have tried every logical number and finally I just typed a random code and it worked! I sat on my porch crying because I remembered something. So there are some small victories in the struggle.
     So I know I willl never get my memories one hundred percent back, but as long as I get those pictues saying those great moments happened. Those beautiful moments, in perhaps the scariest time I'm yet facing, still happened. It was proof that there was light in the darkness, that there were people staying strong for it all.

Keep searching for the little moments, they are real. They are beautiful. And they will last forever. Stay strong through it all, and always always always keep going. You are always bigger than the fight. You are even more than a memory. You are going to be remembered as something wonderful because you are something wonderful. You are not a disorder, you are not a weakness, or a disease. You are more than a sickness.

-Kylee


     

Mission Statement?

      This last month I've been preparing to go to Canada. In doing so I've been sleeping, hanging out, going to doctors appointments, and catching up on the readings they sent me for the retreat. Not only do I hate reading, I have an incredibly hard time with the matter itself. So I started right away and chose the easiest book, "The 7 habits of highly effective teens," by Sean Covey. I leave in a few days but I'm only on page 125.

     Oops. 

     It talks about a mission statement in the book and how to make a mission statement. Well I still don't know what my mission is, or how I plan to make one. I've tried all the methods and still nothing comes to mind. No plans, no problem is what I've always thought. But actually; no plan, big problem.

     Preparing a mission statement is supposed to take no thought. Just come up with what you want from life and make a plan of how you're going to get there. Well, I have no idea what I want from life. So easy breezy...you know the rest. I decided to start in the Eduation route. This was a little tricky for me. I feel like a kid! I had to ask to use the bathroom three months ago, and now I have to plan my future in a week?College isn't my first choice.

     Okay...traveling? Wallet is giving me the stink eye right now. That's a no go for now. But I'm going to squeeze that into my future plans. I've always wanted to travel, to experience a different lifestyle than the one I know.

     Good, traveling is a part of it.

     And that's it. So I stopped and got frusturated and asked myself a different question. Where do I want to be, ten years from now? How do I picture it, exactly? It hit me like a freight train. I saw a perfect image of how I want it all. And it's simple to plan how to get there; the basics at least.

     This took me about two weeks to type. Part of which was forgetting to plug the tablet in from returning from the Great White North (which was fantastic by the way)  But mostly, was figuring out how to write this without being a journal entry. So that's it for now. Try it out, either way might work. Set goals, because those are probably the only things that keep us going in a crazy world.